it's been a while huh
yeah. i don't want to think. i'll just start writing, typing stuff directed to no one, as if i'm talking to myself. usual thing i do. ah damn. i am so shitty. it's been a year and i look back and see nothing. that's me. nothing. a nobody. right? i wanted to do this and that, i wanted to be better, but here i am with nothing to reach out and show to anyone. just a bunch of problems. i'm sad. and i'm tired. i miss being happy. truly. i fucked up somewhere in life, definitely. haha. did i? i don't know if i regret leaving miriam college (i'm in up diliman now). it just sucks knowing that my highschool batchmates are 4th years now, and the ones i left in mc are now third years. then here's me. first year. 20 years old. depending on my parents. eating in karinderyas because i can't cook to save my life. can't sing without straining, can't do solfege well. sigh. really. i'm a fucking mess. angelica. i look at the mirror and say, "i'm wasting away", as i tilt my head in directions and study the lines under my eyes, the sides of my nose, and my mouth. sigh.
last week, valentines week, i was in one of the worst levels my depression had ever been. it was so bad that i wanted to die. i talked to someone. he said it's funny why i can't commit to life but can't commit to death either. dammit i said. i was horrible. i always knew i couldn't take my own life because i was afraid it would fail and i'd end up living with broken bones instead. so i realized: i'm tired of this cycle. this cycle of temporary happiness and stagnancy and depression. i want to progress in life. i want to be independent. i want to make things. i want to be happy. i want to feel good about myself. i'm tired of feeling shit. so i went to a psychiatrist for the second time in my life. (on the first time which was 18 months ago, he prescribed me medicine but i didn't really believe medicine could take my problems away, so i wasn't taking it seriously.) my psychiatrist gave me depakote. and the side effects bother me. but anyway, a few days taking it, i noticed that i couldn't cry. i knew i was sad. and i knew that it was the kind of sad that usually made me cry. but i couldn't cry. it was weird. now, i haven't taken it for two days. because it's freaking big for me it's so troublesome (so much) to take it every single day. i guess that's why i'm sad again, explaining the negativity in the first paragraph of this post.
anyway imma sleep. goodnight.
